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Identity Thief
TEXT: FROM THE DIRECTOR OF HORRIBLE BOSSES
MAN: It says we gotta cut the card, you don’t pay your bills.
MAN: I pay my bills. Swipe it one more time, nothing wrong with that card.
MAN: Randy, go get a debit card.
MAN: It’s Sandy
MAN: Sandy? (mocks in Spanish: My name is Sandy!)
MAN: I bet that was hurtful wasn’t it?
MAN: Oh hurtful, hurtful.
TEXT: AND A PRODUCER OF TED
MAN: (talking on the phone) Exceeded the credit limit? I use the card for coffee and gas. Florida! Right Beyond Watersports? Never heard of it. I’m in Colorado, we don’t have beaches, ya know, we’re land-locked.
MAN: Mr. Patterson. You missed your court date in Florida, three days ago.
MAN: I’ve never even been to Florida.
MAN: Pull a mugshot.
MAN: What the hell is this?
MAN: If I had to guess I’d say the person who stole your identity.
WOMAN: Sandy Bigelow Patterson
[WOMAN SNORES]
WOMAN: Argh! What the…
MAN: Your receipt
WOMAN: You know what, keep the card, it’s done.
WOMAN: Wooh! Party people!
TEXT: NEXT YEAR
MAN: Look at her she’s like a hobbit. I can handle her. I’m going after Bilbo.
WOMAN: This is crazy. You don’t chase criminals. You’re not Batman.
[CAR SCREECHES AND CRASHES]
WOMAN: Oww! My neck!
MAN: Neck hurts huh? Why don’t we swap information? Sandy Bigelow Patterson. Bigelow is such a rare name.
WOMAN: It’s a family name. Jeremiah Bigelow was a pretty well-known bear hunter.
MAN: Sounds brave. Here’s my driver’s license with my name Sandy Bigelow Patterson. Gotcha!
[CAR CRASHES]
MAN: What are you crazy?!
MAN: We’re gonna have a little talk.
WOMAN: We’re gonna be adults about this.
MAN: Yeah, let’s!
[GUNSHOT]
[CAR CRASH]
MAN: Hey!
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
[CAR SCREAMS]
MAN: Oh thank god, you’re alright though? Huh?
WOMAN: The rental car doesn’t even have a scratch on it.
MAN: Whoa! That’s great news. Car’s fine. What’s more important is…
[LORRY CRASHES CAR]
WOMAN: Oh you should have put your hazards on.
TEXT: IDENTITY THIEF
TEXT: COMING SOON
Oz: The Great and Powerful
[Music]
OZ: Kansas is full of good men. I don’t wanna be a good man, I wanna be a great one.
MAN: You’re gonna need this!
[Sound of strong winds and man screaming]
TEXT: FROM THE DIRECTOR OF THE SPIDER-MAN TRILOGY
[Birdsong]
OZ: Am I dreaming?
TEXT: AND THE PRODUCER OF ALICE IN WONDERLAND
THEODORA: You’re in Oz. I’m Theodora the Good Witch.
OZ: Where’s your broom?
THEODORA: You don’t know much about witches do you?
THEORDORA: It’s the Emerald City!
EVANORA: You are here at last and the prophecy shall be fulfilled.
THEODORA: This is my sister…
EVANORA: Evanora, I am here to serve you.
EVANORA: The royal treasure of Oz. It belongs to you but only after you defeat the wicked witch.
OZ: Just how wicked is she?
GLINDA: Towns were destroyed…
[Witch cackles]
GLINDA: Children were orphaned. Great Wizard from Kansas, I’ve waited for you to come and set things right.
OZ: Me?
CROWS: You’ll die, you’ll die!
MONKEY: Did those crows just say we’re gonna die?
EVANORA: Your magic is the only thing strong enough to save us all.
OZ: Please tell me you gentlemen can fight?
MAN: No.
MAN: But we sing!
OZ: Guys, take five.
OZ: I might not actually be a wizard.
GLINDA: Yes, but they don’t know that. You’re capable of more than you know.
DOLL: Help! Please!
THEODORA: Are you the great man we’ve been waiting for?
OZ: I think I could be.
TEXT: THIS MARCH
TEXT: THE LAND YOU KNOW
TEXT: THE STORY YOU DON’T
TEXT: OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL
TEXT: MARCH 2013
Robot and Frank
[Music]
[Phone rings]
FEMALE VOICE: Call from Madison Weld
FRANK: Maddie my girl!
MADISON: Hi, how are you?
FRANK: Oh you know, fine.
MADISON: Has Hunter been coming round?
HUNTER: Dad, you have a problem.
FRANK: There’s nothing wrong with my memory.
HUNTER: You’re worse every time I come up here. I brought you something.
ROBOT: Hi Frank.
FRANK: You have got to be kidding me. That thing is going to murder me in my sleep.
HUNTER: Somebody’s gonna murder you in your sleep.
TEXT: “MAGNIFICANT FUNNY & HEARTWARMING” MTV
ROBOT: Wake up Frank. Today we’re going to start a garden.
FRANK: I’m not gardening!
ROBOT: Well my programme’s goal is to improve your health.
FRANK: Just bring me some cereal.
ROBOT: Cereal is for children.
FRANK: You’re for children stupid.
TEXT: “INGENIOUS, HILARIOUS & MOVING” BBC RADIO 5 LIVE
FRANK: Hey, you took this?
ROBOT: I saw you had it but the shop keeper distracted you.
FRANK: Do you know what stealing is?
ROBOT: According to your file, you were first arrested for possessing stolen goods.
FRANK: I specialized in jewelry, diamonds.
TEXT: “WONDERFUL. A TREAT OF A MOVIE” THE TIMES
JENNIFER: Hey Frank. Is this your new robot?
FRANK: Yes it is.
JENNIFER: There’s this fundraiser party thing on Friday and all the young hoity-toity couples are gonna come.
FRANK: Sounds awful.
JENNIFER: Yeah. Do you wanna come with me?
FRANK: Yes.
JENNIFER: Cool.
FRANK: Look at all the jewels. These people are loaded. I know exactly who the first mark is gonna be.
ROBOT: Planning this burglary was a great idea. I’m very pleased with your progress Frank.
FRANK: That was your best time yet.
TEXT: “FRANK LANGELLA GIVES A PHENOMENAL PERFOMANCE” HEYUGUYS
JENNIFER: Frank, it’s me! What’s going on in there?
MAN: Frank Weld is a suspect in a multi-million dollar robbery.
FRANK: Get in.
HUNTER: That’s impossible.
FRANK: I’m in a bit of trouble.
JENNIFER: Of course you are.
TEXT: ACADEMY AWARD© NOMINEE FRANK LANGELLA, JAMES MARSDEN, LIV TYLER & ACADEMY AWARD© WINNER SUSAN SARANDON
FRANK: I need him.
MADISON: What do you need him for?
FRANK: He’s my friend.
TEXT: ROBOT & FRANK
FRANK: You’re starting to grow on me.
ROBOT: Thank you Frank. It’s time for your enema.
TEXT: QUOTES
TEXT: COMING SOON